Friends, I h'ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter has bin to 'bout ever circus that cume to town.
"Nother August has roll'd 'round an' hit's time to count the foggy mornin's a'gin. Any ol'timer will tell you'ins the number of foggy mornin's in August tells how many snows deep 'nough to trak a rabbit will fall this comin's winter. I ain't hardly never seed hit fail.
If'n I'm 'lected pressydint this cumin' November, I'm gonna git me a Furst Rabbit, so I kin mak rabbit traks any time I needs 'em. Hit shore won't look good fur a pressydint to mess up on his snow kount, so if'n I kin mak my own rabbit traks, I'll look lak a x'pert.
The furst frost this fall will fall on the mornin' uv' October 12, accordin' to the kaydid. David Jones over c'chere at Breezy Hills hear'd the furst kaydid hollor July 14. That means the furst frost will fall in 90 days.
I bot me sume stove polish at a yard sale last week an' I'm gonna try to git rid 'uv summa this gray hair. I thank I kin use stove polish an' hide that bal spot in the top 'uv my haid. I ain't got no purty hair lak The Donald an' I shore do need to em'prove by standin' with the ladyfolks if'n I'm gonna beet The Donald this fall.
Friends, I din't git hardly no votes a'tall in the primary 'lection. I'm gonna run this fall as a rite-in cannydit. Mak shore you'ins noes how to spel HUMBLE whin you'ins rites in my name. I shore don't want nonna my supporters to git mixed up an' put down a vote fur The Donald.
Thank 'bout it, friends. The Donald I hear tell as got 'nough money to burn a wet mule. He shore don't need the money to be pressydint.
Friends, all I got is my chek. If'n hit don't cume on time, I runs outta chewin' tobakker. I shore hopes The Donald sinds us 'nother chek a'fore he goes outta office. I spint all the last chek I got buyin' votes fur pressydint. I thanks sume folks tok my money an' thin voted fur The Donald.
Friends, your humble reporter is a proud member 'uv the Hillbilly Party. If'n I gits to be pressydint them air Demmerkrats u in Washintun may try to em'peech me fur ruff stitchin'. In my O'pinin, if'n we are gonna go bak to the way hit ust to be, our yung folks er' gonna hafta larn how to ruff stitch 'stead 'uv playin' with 'em ol' smart phones alla time.
Remember, if'n you'ins wanna Mak AmaryKerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint. Whin I'm pressydint, kountry folks will go down to the creek to tak a bath. We'll tak a bath onest a month whurt we needs hit 'er not.