Friends, I ain't never seed nothin; lak hit an' your humble reporter has bin further 'neath the bed after my shoes than most 'uv these city slickers has bin away frum home.
This cool spel we'ins is havin' is more'n lackly Blackburry Winter. If blackbury briers ain't in bloom hits 'bout time.
All the cool weather we'ins has got left is Linen Britches Winter. That's 'bout Dekkeration Day when young blades puts on their linen britches an' goes to the graveyard. That's the last cool spel a'fore hot weather sots in.
Friends, your humble reporter has shore got a sore toe. I wuz cuttin' my toenails off t'other day with a butcher nife an' cut the toenail on my big toe in the quick.
I may hafta go to onna 'em foot doctors an' git my toe fixed. I speck whin I gits to be pressydint I shore don't wanna be hobblin' 'round whin Mr. Pootin an' The Rocket Man cumes over c'here fur a visit. I'm gonna fix 'em a varmit supper an' run off a gallon 'uv good Pulasski County 'shine fur 'em to drank.
I betcha when I gits them all drunked up I kin trade my gumbow fur onena The Rocket Man's big bumbs. We mite go down c'here at the courthouse an' shoot that bumb off on the 4th 'uv July. I'm gonna see if'n I kin git Mr. Pootin to meddle in my 'lection an' git me sume votes, I don't kare whut them Demmerkrats say.
Friends, whin I gits to be pressydint, I'm still gonna stay her in Pulasski County. I ain't never bin to Warshinton an' I don't wanna go. I don't no how fur hit is to Warshinton but I hear tell hits a good ways on the t'other side 'uv Short Crick.
I'm gonna larn to Tweet jest lak The Donald an' go down c'here on Pitman Crik an' Tweet ever mornin' 'bout daylight.
I promises you'ins one thang. I ain't gonna spen you'ins tax money sindin' no man to the moon. Thar's alreedy a man in the moon. You'ins kin see him if'n you look close 'nough. My ol' jersey cow tried to jump over the moon an' purt neart tord'd her sack off onna a barb wire fence.
I shore ain't as purty as The Donald but I thanks I kin beet him at the nex 'lection if'n I kin karry Pulasski County.
'Member, if'n you;ins wanna Mak AmaryKerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint!