Friends, your humble reporter ain't bin so tickled since Pa put new straw in the bed tick.
The ol' groundhawg done seed his shader on Groundhawg Day last Sundae. He got skeart an' wint bak in his hole an' that means we'ins is gonna hav 6 more weeks 'uv winter. Maybe I'll git the 10 more rabbit trakers I needs.
That's a fak, friends. Cleat Estes, this honored journal's offishial fog kounter, got up ever mornin' last August an' marked down 11 foggy mornin's on his drug store callender. That means we'ins is 'sposed to hav 11 snows deep 'nough to trak a rabbit this winter.
Your humble reporter is inna a heap 'uv truble, friends. Here hit is way along into Febuwarry an' I ain't got but 1 snow.
Onna my detrakters sed he wuz gonna brang me sume axel greese to greese the rail I'm gonna git rode outta town on if'n I misses my snow predickshion. "A greesed rail is a lot more komfortable than a dry rail, he sed, slappin' his hands an' laffin his sides out.
According to the burroKratic, high pade weather predickters on the tellyvision, we'ins is 'sposed to git sume more snow this weekend. I shore hopes so 'cause I kin kount Rabbit Traker No. 2.
Your humble reporter never did hav no luck. I wuz born'd over in Taylor County without a jib 'uv clothes on. I din't even hav no name. The name'd me Osker after I got c'here.
I've told you'ins a'fore that Ma an' Pa din't no how to spel Osker. Whin I wint to skol, teecher spelt my name O-S-C-A-R. Hit made Mamma madder'n a wet hen 'cause she change'd the spelin' 'uv my name. In case you'ins don't no, Oscar is my middle name.
I ain't gonna let nobody call me Oscar whin I gits to by pressydint. Folks is gonna call me Pressydint Humble.
I'm gonna sot down c'here onna bench in front 'uv the courthouse an' smoke me onna 'em x-pensive Cuban siggars. I may lite my siggar with a doller bill. I hear tell a pressydint maks purt neart a doller a day an' that's purty good money as fur as I'm koncerned. While I'm pressydint I'm gonna spin money lak a drunk sailer.
Friends, imma gonna git folks over in Russhee an' Chiney to holp me beet The Donald, I don't kare whut 'en air Demmerkrats up in Warshinton say. I'll git on my TWEETER an' let 'em no zackly whut I thanks.
Don't furgit, friends. I'm gonna muv the White House down c'here on Pitman Creek whin I gits to be pressydint. You'ins kin git yourself onna 'em new driver's licenses the state is sellin' fir $48 an' cume an' see me. I may be able to put a little more money in your chek. You'ins will need hit after you'ins pays fur you'ins driver's license.
They say you'ins kin stik that new driver's license in a slot an' git inna pay ti'let fur free. I kan't say fur shore 'cause I ain't got my new driver's license yet.
"Member. If'n you'ins wanna Mak AmaryKerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint. An' don't furgit to sin money to buy votes.