Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' me an Pa ust to go down to the hardware store ever Sattidee an' look at the pocket knives.
Hit look lak I ain't gonna be your nex pressydint, friends. At this ritin' hit looks lak The Donald and Mr. Biden has claimed most 'uv the votes, accordin' to the talkin' haids on the tellyvison.
I'm madder a wet hen, friends. I thanks I done bin cheated. Suveral 'uv my weather watchers have sed they voted fur me, but I don't thank them votes were kounted. I may ast fur a rekount.
I noes whut happen'd, friends. I never did git 'nuff kampaign money to git me no hair-do lak The Donald, an' I din't git no face lift neither. I wuz 'fraid to git a face lift 'cause the last'n I got wuz over in Taylor County whin this ol' boy hit me under the chin an' lifted me plum off'n the ground.
I thank I noes whut I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go out c'here on Pitman Creek whur I wuz gonna put the White House an' I'm gonna sot down an' sot thar. I ain't gonna move a bit. I may jest lean up 'ginst a tree an' tak myself a nap if'n the sun is shinin'.
Problem is, I may never be pressydint. In four more years, I'm gonna be so old I kan't do nothin' but skratch whur I eeches, I don't kare if'n hit is in publick, an' maybe burp if'n I feels lak hit. Y'all ain't never gonna have no hillbilly in the White House.
I bin thankin' bout whut wint rong. Hit may be I run'd outta haf pints way a'fore the polls closed.
Friends, I done the best I cud. The last 2 weeks a'fore the 'lection, I stay'd up all nite runnin' off a batch. I rekon thar wuz a lotta thursty folks in this big turnout.
If'n you'in hasta use your snuff money to buy a sack 'uv flour, don't blame your humble ree'porter. If'n idda bin 'lected pressydint, idda brung prices down whur you wuddn't hafta to spind all the money in you'ins tobbakker sack to put sumethang on the table.
I wuz gonna git you'ins a fuderal grant to help buy yourself a new pare 'uv winter drawers. Now, you'ins will hafta mak do with the pare you'ins wore last winter, even if'n the fuzz is wore'd off.
I wuz so shore I wuz gonna be pressydint I oddered me a big box 'uv them x-pensive ciggars. The cume in the mail yestiddy but I ain't got no idear how I'm gonna pay fur 'em. You'ins may not git no stem'u'lus chek neither.
'Member, since I ain't gonna be pressydint, AmaryKerr ain't never gonna be grate a'gin. Please don't blame your humble reporter.