Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter ended up in 2nd place in a spelin' bee bak whin I wuz in skol.
I wudda got furst place but the only other kid in the kontest wuz the teecher's pet. You'ins kin tell by these ritings that your humble reporter noes how to spel.
Hit din't tak me but 2 years to git outta the thurd grade. My teecher sed she promoted me 'cause I kudn't fit in the seat no more.
Friends, I shore wuz a good studdent. My teecher ast whut wuz the 4 stages in the life 'uv a muskskeeter an' I wuz the only one in my class who noed the answer. I raised my hand an' sed: Whin hit is born'd, whit hit cud sot up, whin hit cud fly an' whin hit died. Teecher told me to sot down, shuk her haid an' closed her book.
'Nuther time she ast me whut 2 annimules karried theys young in a pouch. I sed a horse an' a rabbit. Teecher wuz standin' up whin she ast me that question. She sot down an' din't ast me no more questions.
I rekon I wuz jest to smart fur hur. She din't lak me nohow an' made me stand in the korner 'bout ever day.
Momma din't lak my teecher nuther. My daddy name'd me Oscar (that's my middle name) an' we spelt hit OSKER. Whin I got old 'nough to go to skol, teecher sed my name shud by spelt OSCAR. Hit made my Momma madder'n a wet hen 'cause teecher changed my name.
Whoda thunk a boy lak me wud be runnin' fur pressydint. Nobody whin I wuz in skol thot I wuz smart 'nough to be pressydint. I'm gonna show 'em.
I shore hopes folks onna tellyvision don't bad mouth me lak they do The Donald whin I gits to be pressydint. I ain't as purty as The Donald so they my not let me git on the tellyvision.
I'm gonna buss up to Mr. Pootin an' The Rocket Man, I don't kare whut 'em Demmerkrats up in Warshinton sez. Whin I muves the White House down c'here on Pitman Creek I'm gonna en'vite Mr. Pootin an' The Rocket Man down c'here fur onna 'em state dinners. After we'ins gits thru eatin' I'm gonna tak The Rocket Man onna snipe hunt an' let him hold the bag. I may let Mr. Pootin' holp him hold the bag if'n he wants to. I betcha they don't have no snipe hunts over whurever they cumes frum.
Nother thang, if'n you'ins git charged fur rough stitchin' while I'm pressydint, I'll pardon you'ins. If'n you'ins never did rough stitch, you'ins never did live as fur bak in the sticks as I did.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna Mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint. An' vote fur me as many times as you'ins kin.