Humble gets second Rabbit Tracker 

BILL MARDIS I CJ

Santa Claus felt sorry for your Humble Reporter and had his elves make me a pair of long johns. Santy has already gone back to the North Pole but he heard Humble couldn't afford a new pair of drawers. Rudolph made a quick trip back to Pitman Creek and dropped the drawers down Humble's chimney just in time for this cold spell.

Friends I finally dit git myself 'nother snow. We got purt neart 2 inches out at my place on Pitman Creek last weekend an' I got to kount Rabbit Traker No. 2.

That means we'ins has 9 more rabbit trakers to go, accordin' to the 11 foggy mornin's in August.

I no hit's the middle 'uv Febuwarry an' I runnin' be'hind with my snows, but I got sume hope. The groundhawg seed his shader on Groundhawg Day, meanin' six more weeks 'uv winter. Maybe I kin git the rest 'uv my snows.

Did you'ins hear hit thunder Wensdee nite? I kan't hear good, but hit thunder loud 'nough fur me to hear hit. Ol' folks will tell you'ins, if'n hit thunders in Febuwarry hit'll frost in May. I ain't hardly never seed hit fail.

Spekin' 'uv Febuwarry, my good friend Ben Looney call'd in to ree'mind that Febuwarry is time to plant you'ins peas. Ben is a ree'tired ranger with the korps 'uv Engineers an' he shud no whut he's talkin' a'bout.

Since he noes whin to plant a garden, I ast Ben if'n he wud be my Sekkertary 'uv Aggakulture whin I'm 'leckted as pressydint. I ain't shore whut his answer wuz, but I thank he's thankin' bout hit. I ast Ben to vote fur me but he din't say nothin.

If Ben x-cepts my offer to be Sekkertary 'uv Aggakulture, imma gonna git him plant me a tater patch in the Rose Gardem whin I muves the White House down c'here on Pitman Creek.

Jim Wesley up c'here at Science Hill is gonna be be my Sekkertary 'uv Health. He's ree'tired frum the Health Department an' plays kountry musick on the raddayo. Jim shore is quallyfied. He will be in charge 'uv Obbammykare an' karry a satchel fulla pink laxxyatives for folks that ain't regular.

Onna 'em Demmerkrats runnin' fur pressydint wants to give everybody a thousand dollers a month. I never hear'd 'uv that kinda money. If'n I thunk he cud git that done, I'd vote fur him fur pressydint. I'd say here's my vote an' sind me my thousand dollers.

Whin I gits to be pressydint, I ain't gonna give nobody nothin', friends. Imma gonna be onna 'em dicktaters an' tell folks whut to do.

If'n you'ins gives me any sass, I'll git on my TWITTER an' tell you'ins whut I thanks 'uv you'ins. I ain't gonna tak no bak talk frum nobody.

Friends, your humble reporter is runnin' fur pressydiny on the Hillbilly Party. Folks in my pary 'er gonna meet in konvention down c'here at the hawg lot an' nommynate your humble reporter fur pressydint. Hit's time we'ins had a hillybilly in the White House.

'Member, if'n you'ins wants to Mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint. An' don't furgit to sent money to hall voters.

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