Friends, I h'ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter has bin futher 'neath the bed after my shoes than most 'uv these city slickers has bin away frum home.
I remember bak home 'bout this time 'uv year, Paw had fixed the soles on our shoes with hawg rangs 'cause they wuz jest 'bout wore'd out.
We din't git but one pare 'uv shoes an' that wuz in the fall 'uv the year after Paw sold a hawg. That pare 'uv shoes had to do us all winter. Bout the furst 'uv Aprul, Momma wud let us tak off our shoes an' go barefutted.
I never will furgit the time whin me an Brother wuz ressling an' he shov'd me up a'gainst a shed whur that wuz a bumblebees nest. I got stung so many times that I had sume kinda spel an' they hadda tak me to the doctor. Hit wuz the only time I hadda go to the doctor whilst I wuz growin' up.
Me an' Brother made us a swing in a wild cherry tree down below the house. I got in the swing an' Brother wud git a'hind me an' push me. I mean I wuz swangin' frum limb to limb.
Brother got all karried away an' pushed the swing too hard. It took me to the top an' dumped me out. I landed on my haid on the hard ground. Hit sorta addled me an' hit took me a'while to git up.
I never did git over hit. No wunder folks calls me a big dummy. I guess I ain't never bin r'at since.
Me an' Brother ust to throw roks alla time. We throw' roks at each other. Both 'uv us wud git a little piece 'uv plank an' dodge off the rocks. I ackted lak I throw'd a rok an' Brother put the plank up in frunt 'uv his haid. Then he tuk hit down an' I let go with 'nother rok. Hit hit him upside the haid an' cut a big gash. Blud flew ever whichaway.
Brother wint in the hose sqawlin' to Momma an' she cume out an' pulled a switch off'n the lilac bush an' give'd us both a whuppin.
The only other time I 'member gittin' the best 'uv Brother wuz after he work'd down at the cream station an' bot hisself a brand new bicycle. I mean hit wuz shiny as a new penny.
I finnally mow'd a yard an' bot myself a used bicycle. Hit wuz run but hit din't hav no brakes.
Me an' him wint out on the Hodgenville Rode outside 'uv Cammelsville whur we grow'd up an' wuz ridin' our bicycles. Brother wuz bigger'n me an' got down the hill a'fore I did. He stopped his bicycle an wuz yellin' fur me to hurry up. He turn'd his bicycle 'round in the middle 'uv the rode an' wuz waitin' fur me.
I cume over the hill peddlin' as hard as I cud. I topped the hill an' started down, gittin' faster alla time. I cudn't stop. I din't have no brakes.
Friends, the frunt wheel 'uv my bicycle hit the sprongs in the frunt wheel 'uv his new bicycle an' brok 'bout ever one. My bicycle wud still run an' his wudn't. That's the only reason I'm here today. He wuz madder'n a hornet. He call'd me sume names that I hadn't never hear'd a'fore. I peddled away as hard as I cud go.
Changin' the subjick, but your humble reporter ain't gittin' no votes in all these pressydintial primaries they is talkin' 'bout on the tellyvision. I've had 2 'er 3 folks to promise they'd vote fur me, but they ain't show'd up at the polls yit. I may git sume votes whin I gits a new batch 'uv shine run'd off on my still.
Friends, hit's good stuff. You'ins kin hold a pistel to my haid whilst I taks a drank an' I'll hold a gun on you'ins whilst you'ins taks a swig. After we finishes the jug, me an' you wud vote fur anybody.
I don't kare if'n I karries Floridy 'er any other 'uv 'em states. If'n I kin karry Pu'lassky County, I thank I kin mak hit to the White House.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna Mak AmaryKerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint!!! An' don't furgit to sin money to by votes.