Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter was born'd without a jib 'uv clothes on.
My Paw sed I wuz so ugly whin I got cheer he din't even no which end to slap whin I arrived. If'n I gits to be you'ins nex pressydint I may be the ugliest pressydint you'ins ever had.
I rekon hit don't matter noon. Ol' folks ust to say that beauty is only skin deep but ugly is to the bone. At my age, I got so many liver spots my skin ain't even purty.
I wunder if'n I got any chance beetin' The Donald. He's got that purty head 'uv hair an' your humble reporter's ol' haid is gray as a fox and I gotta bal spot in the top 'uv my haid as big as a dinner plant.
I ain't had no haircut since this virus thang has bin goin' 'round an' I'm sorta lookin' lak a hippie. That may cost me sume votes in the 'lection 'cause most Pu'lasski countians don't want no hippie in the White House.
I had one fella this week who acted lak he might vote fur me. He don't want his name in this ritin's 'cause he's a member 'uv the upper crust.
Votes shore are hard to cume by. I'm runnin' my still 'round the clock so I'll have sume re'frushmint to pass out at the polls. Most good ol' kountry boys will vote anyways you'ins want after we pass a fruit jar around. If' I kan karry Pu'lasski County I bulieves I kin win the 'lection.
You'ins noes how to tell whut good 'shine is. Tap the frute jar on you'ins nee an' if you'ins can see little bubbles goin' to the top, you'ins is 'bout to enjoy sume fine drankin'.
I ain't promising to pass out good dranks. I can't holp it if'n a possum got in my mash barrel and passed away. I shore wudn't gonna throw away that good mash 'cause that possum cudn't git out. 'Sides I bulives that possum give'd the 'shine a good flaver.
If'n I cud git sume more kampaign kontributions, I start payin' more fur votes. I gotta a $3 bill with former pressydint Bill Clinton's pitchure on hit. Nobody 'round cheer will sell their vote fur that 'cause Mr. Clinton is a Demmerkrat, I rekon.
Most good PU'lasski countians will tell you'ins that ain't never voted fur no Demmerkrat. They is 'fraid a Demmerkrat will tak away their double barrel shotgun.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna Mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint. An' don't furgit to sind money to buy votes!!!