Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter's eyes 'er cross'd so I kin look both ways at the same time. I kan't see a'hind me, so don't slip up on me.
I din't git no votes fur pressydint in the primary 'lection. I passed out suveral half pints 'uv moonshine an' spint two dollers an' a haff haulin' voters and still nobody voted fur me.
I rekon whin they found out your humble reporter wudn't gonna sind out no stem'u'lus cheks lak The Donald do, they din't want me to be pressydint. Hit din't make no dufference if'n I promised to brang the White House down c'here on Pitman Creek.
Do you'ins 'member them ol' ballot boxes whur you'ins drop you'ins ballot in after you'ins voted. I'm gonna git me a buncha 'uv these "I ain't gonna be thar" ballots in the fall an' vote 'em an' drop in the box. I'm gonna ast 'em furriner folks over in the ol' kuntry to holp me all they kin, an' I betcha I wins the pressydint's race at the nex 'lection.
I wanna be a dicktater 'er king, whichever I thanks is best. I may wanna be onna 'em ol' fat kings that has dancin' gurls in grass skurts to sang an' entertain me, an' git me a ham hock to eat.
I kan't wate to sot down c'here in frunt 'of the courthouse an' smoke me onna 'em fine siggars. I'll kurtsy, er' do whutever kings do, when you'ins pass by an' you'ins kin call be King Humble 'er Pressydint Humble whichever you'ins laks the best.
Changin' the subjick, but I seed the biggest possum I ever seed t'other day out at my place on Pitman Creek. I also seed a big fat rabbit.
I wuz jest a'thankin'. I'n I puts on a varmit dinner jest a'fore the fall 'lection I mite win me sume votes. If'n sumebody wud brang me sume sweet taters, I kin cook up a mess 'uv possum an' sweet taters an' I'll put on a fine state dinner. Hit won't hurt nothin' to hav sume fride rabbit, bulldog gravy an; sume biskits on the side.
Whin I gits to be pressydint I'm gonna issue onna 'em exzeggative odders makin' hit OK to burp after you's gits thru eatin'. As I've sed a buncha times, hit's better to burp an' feel the shame than not to burp and bare the pain.
I'm gonna do my own neegoshsheatin' whin I'm pressydint. After a varmit dinner, whin these furriners gits their belly full and their chins greesy, I kin talk 'em into anythang.
I'm gonna bil a two-story outhouse fur visitin' dignurtarries. Hit's have a canful 'uv corncobs, both white 'ens an' red 'ens, so they kin be dainty.
I don't lak this brot-on ti'let paper. I seed a roll t'other day that sed hit had 1,000 sheets. Did you'ins see how big onna 'em sheets is, an' how thin hit is? If'n onna these furriners had a ackseedin't with that I wudn't ever git nothin' outta him.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna mak AmaryKeer Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint in the Fall 'Lection. My Kampaigh Chest is dry so sind money to buy votes!
Whin I'm pressydint you'ins kin buy lard in a 25-pound bucket.