Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter has been plum to Crackers Neck an' bak.
I got 1 rite-in vote fur guv'nur durin' the 'lection but I din't ast fur no recount. I don't wanna be guv'nur. I wanna be pressydint' I hear tell the pressydint maks purt neart a doller a day an' I shore needs the money. I bin poor as a Job's turkey all my life an' I'm gonna live hit up when I gits to the White House.
I shore hopes 'em air Demmerkrats don't try to em'peech me lak they is doin' The Donald. I don't no whut hit'll feel lak bein' em'peeched, but hit may be lak gittin' pinched onna hind end.
If'n 'em Demmerkrats tries to em'peech me i's is gonna jump up, p'int my finger r'at in they face an' yell: "I dunnit, whut's you'ins gonna do 'bout hit? I ain't gonna mak no bones 'bout Mr. Pootin' an' The Rocket Man holpin' me git 'lected as pressydint.
Sides that, I'm gonna git Mr. Pootin' and The Rocket Man to find out if'n The Donald has been ruff stitchin'. If'n he's bin ruff stitchin' I'll bet hit'll cost him sume votes here in Pu'lasski County.
Pu'lasski countians don't lak nobody that ruff stiches. If'n they finds out you'ins has bin ruff stichin' you're shore ain't gonna git their vote. Friends, you'ins cud be em'peeched fur ruff stitchin'.
I've told you'ins a'fore, If'n I kin karry Pu'lasski County I buleeve I kin win the 'lection. I got ketched ruff stitchin' one time, but I pade off the revenuer to let me go. He sed he wudn't tell nobody.
Speekin' 'uv that rite-in vote fur guv'nur, a couple 'uv voters, tryin' to mak lite 'uv your humble reporter, also voted fur Miky Mouse an' Donald Duck. I mite let Miky an' the Duck sot on my kabinet, but I shore ain't gonna let 'em be no vice pressydint.
I tell you'ins one thang. I ain't gonna mak nobody work to draw they chek. I shore don't feel lak plowin' no corn to git 'nough in my chek to buy my chewin' tobakker.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna Mak Amarykerr Grate A'Gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint! An' sind money to buy votes.