Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter is older'n dirt.
I wint down c'here on Pitman Crik on day last week an' got in the water an' warshed off a little bit. I ain't had no baff since last fall an' I wuz beginn' to smel myself.
Whin I clumb outta the crik, sumebody had took my overhauls. I had hung 'em on a bush whilst I wuz takin' a bath an' I din't no nobody wuz a'round. I hadda streek bak home with my butt shinin' whur everbody cud see.
With all these smart cammers this day an' time, sumbody probly took my pitcher whilst I wuz streekin'. With me runnin' fur pressydint, I'm lakly to moon somebody on the tellyvision an' cost me sume votes.
Nex time I needs a bath, I'm gonna clumb over that fence an' tak me a three-water rinsin' in the pool down c'here on the square. You'ins kin use a little lye soap an' warsh hit off with that big squrt 'uv water goin' up in the air.
Friends, I shore wud lak to be you'ins pressydint. If'n I brings the White House down c'here on Pitman Crik, Pulasskee County will be the cappatol 'uv the wurld.
I'm gonna git me summa 'em x-pensive cigars an' sot on onna 'em benches down c'here in front 'uv the courthouse an' lite 'em with doller bills. I hear tell a pressydint maks purt neart a doller a day. I'll hav as much money as The Donald.
Friends, I ain't gonna ree'leese no tax ree'turns neither cause I ain't got none. I sint my durty shirt to 'em air reeveenurs an' that's all they is gonna git. I shore hope hit wudn't gonna 'em ree'veenurs that took my britches off'n that bush while I wuz takin' my sprang bath. If'n hit wuz I won't never git 'em bak.
I'd hav plenty 'uv kampaign money if'n them revenuers hadn't busted up my still. A man kan't mak no honest living' no more.
I luv'd the Good "ol Days whin you'ins cud git a dip an'a haf 'uv ice cream fur a nikel. A big bottle 'uv dope also cost a nikel, an you'ins cud fill up you'ins gas tank fur less than 2 dollars.
Whin I beets The Donald nex year an' bee'cumes you'ins pressydint, I'm gonna brag these good prices bak. So Remember, if'n you'ins wanna mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint!!