Friends, I h'ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter has got toe jam all down 'tween my toes.
I rekon I'm gonna hafta clean up a little whin I'm 'lected pressydint. I hear tell a pressydint takes a bath ever Satidee nite whuther he needs hit 'er not. I rekon hit's sorta the thang pressydints do, special whin they sign xzeggative odders an' sich. I may need to warsh up a little whin I goes to them air state dinners.
Friends, I lookin' fur a vice pressydint to run with me nex year. If'n he duz whut he's 'sposed to do an' gits in a lotta vice, maybe we'ins kin be crooked 'nough fur me to buy 'nough votes to be 'lected pressydint. Your humble reporter shore ain't to proud to cut sume corners in a 'lection.
I hear tell them lawyers up in Warshinton found out Pressydint Trump wudn't foolin' 'round with no folks frum Russhee whin he got 'lected a cupel years ago. I tell you'ins one thang, friends. If'n Mr. Poot'n 'er The Rocket Man wants to vote fur your humble reporter, I'll tell 'em to go r'at ahead. I ain't too proud to take no votes frum nobody.
Folks, I ain't never bin to Russhee an' I don't even no whur hit is. Sumbody sed hit wuz over c'here a little piece on the t'other side 'uv Tick Ridge. I don't no whuther they got no tellyfones over thar 'er not so I ain't libel to do no kampaignin' in them parts.
I don't rekon I'm gonna go to Rushee 'er nowur else. I tri not to git away frum the house to fur whur I kan't git bak a'fore dark. I lak to sleep in my own bed even if'n thar is sume bedbugs.
Bedbugs 'er awful, friends. I've seed Momma brak the beds down an' tak a feather an' kill the bedbugs with coal oil. Our ol' house wuz papered with nuespapers an' the bedbugs wud hide in thar 'till you'ins blow'd out the coal oil lamp. Thin they'd cume out an' eet on you'ins whilst you'ins slept.
Pa ust to go to town 'bout onest a year an' git a nickles wurth 'uv nuespapers frum the nuespaper office. He cume bak an Momma wud mak up sume flour paste and paper the walls. I bet city slickers don't no how to mak paste outta flour.
Whin I gits to be pressydint, I'll live higher than that. I hear tell a pressydint maks purt neart a dollar a day. I ain't shore I noes how to handle that kinda money. I'll be rich as The Donald an' walk 'round lak I got corn fur sale.
"Member, if'n you'ins wanna Mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint!!!!