Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter has bin plum to Tick Ridge an' bak.
I wuz over thar in the wustern part 'uv the county t'other day an' folks wuz alreedy callin' me Pressydint Humble. An' I ain't even beet The Donald yet.
Hit shore did mak me proud. I grinn'd lak a ol' sow eatin' saw briers. If'n I kin find summa that grant money whin I gits to be pressydint, I'm gonna sind them folks sume. I'm gonna pay 'em fur not growin' corn an' bakker on these hillsides.
I thank I'm gonna like bein' pressydint. I'm gonna git me sume 'uv 'em jesters to wate on me an' I may git me sume wimminfolks to dance 'round my throne.
Y'all won't kare if'n act sorta lak Mr. Pootin an' The Rocket Man. They don't hafta go thru 'em libural Demmerkrats lak The Donald Do. Whin Mr. Pootin an' The Rocket Man sez fur folks to do sumethang, they does hit without no bak talk. I shore thanks I'd lak to be a dick'tater.
I've gotta larn to TWEET lak The Donald but I shore hopes I kin TWEET an' stay outta truble. I ain't done too good so fur. I got up t'other mornin' an' wint to the bak door an' TWEETED an' a nebber throw'd a tin can at me.
Friends, I gotta larn to play goff lak The Donald do. Us kountry folks call hit cow pasture pool an' hit never did mak no since to me.
Why in the wurld wud you'ins hit that goff ball with that stick, then go hunt it an' hit hit a'gin? Hit maks more since to me to put hit in you'ins poket whins you'ins find hit. 'Course I never did unnerstan city slickers.
I wint out c'here t'other day an hit onna 'em goff balls jest fur practice. Hit wint way up in the air an' sumebody sed I got a BURDIE. I din't mean to, friends. If'n I hit a English sparrow, I shore din't aim to. 'Nuther feller I wuz playin' with claimed he got a EAGLE. If'n he hit one I shore din't see hit. 'Sides, I don't thank there is no eagles 'round c'here no how. He musta hit a crow.
Whin I gits to be pressydint, I'm gonna give onna 'em xzeggative odders makin' everbody tak a bath with lye soap in a warshtub on Sattidy nite. Folks 'er wastin' to much water takin' showers an' showers warshes all the oil outta you'ins hair. That why so many ol' men 'er bal hedded. The shore don't have no purty hair lak The Donald.
I'm gonna outlaw all 'uv this thin brot-on ti'let paper. Hit ain't safe, friends. I'm gonna put a can 'uv corncobs in ever outhouse, thar'll be red'uns an' white'uns so everbody kin stay dainty.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, vote as many times as you'ins kin fur Humble Fur Pressydint!!!!.