Humble Reporter will be Crooked President

Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter is gonna buy me sume 'uv 'em x-pensive cigars whin I gits to be you'ins nex pressydint.

My good friend Ben Looney sed he wud by hed 'uv my DO NOTHIN' KABINET durin' my furst term as pressydint. Ben, a ree'tired ranger fur the Corps 'uv Engineers, agreed to surve durin' my furst term, but he sed he wudn't do nothin'. I told him that wuz all rite 'cause I wudn't do no more than I hafta noway.

Jim Wesley up c'here at Science Hill has a'greed to be my Health Sekkertary. He's gonna pass out buckeyes to ree'place ObamaKare that The Donald is always fussin' a'bout.

I wanna be perfecklee frank, friends. Your humble report is running' fur pressydint 'cause I shore needs the money. I bin a p'or tacky all my life.

This honored journal don't pay me nothin' fur ritin' this r'tickle. Hit shore is hard to bu'leeve but I din't git nothin' fur hittin' my snow predickshion smak on the nose last winter.

I hear tell a pressydint gits purt neart a doller a day. If'n I kin mak that kinda money, I'm gonna sot down c'here on the courthouse steps an' lite my cigars with doller bills.

Whin you'ins pass by call me Pressydint Humble. If'n I hears you'ins say hit, I'll git you'ins a fedurul grant to not grow corn over c'here on Buck Creek.

I don't a'gree with The Donald on many thangs, but I shore ain't gonna show y'all my income tax neither. I made a little money shootin' craps but hit ain't nobody's bizness.

I'm gonna try to git Mr. Pootin an' The Rocket Man to vote fur me. I don't Kare if Demmerkrats accuse 'em 'uv messin' in the 'lection. I'm gonna pay as many good Pu'lasski countians as I kin to haul votes on 'Lection Day an' I'm gonna pass out half pints 'uv rot gut whiskey at the polls. I wudn't mind to vote a few names off'n tombsomes, neither. I no hit's bin done in Pu'lasski County. I'll probly be the crookedest pressydint you'ins has ever had.

"Member, if'n you'ins wanna Mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote As Many Times As You'ins Kin Fur Humble Fur Pressydint.