Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter has got a big wart on my nose.
I always put on my winter drawers ' bout the furst 'uv October an' hit's bin so hot this year I hadda take 'em off after I put 'em on. Hit must be global warmin', I rekon.
Hit's jest four days away frum the furst frost, friends. Steve Tucker out c'here at Fawbush hear'd a katydid holler on July 12. That put the furst frost 90 days away to this comin' Thursday mornin'. I ain't hardly never seed hit fail.
I'm gonna try to git down to Pitman Creek an' tak me a bath a'fore the water gits cold. If'n you'ins don't tak a bath a'fore winter sets in, you'ins kin git to smelin' yourself a'fore 'nother sprang cumes.
I hear tell up thar in the White House they've got sume kinda tubs you'ins kin bathe in. I may still go to the creek 'cause I bulieves hit is more sannytary. Inna a tub you'ins don't change the water an' a creek keeps runnin'. I betcha thar'd be a skim on the water if'n I took my fall bath in a tub.
Sides, I'm gonna brang the White House down c'here on Pitman Creek whin I gits 'lected pressydint so hit won't be a fur piece r'at over the bank to the creek whur I always taks a bath.
I wants to beet The Donald at the nex 'lection but sumetimes I gits to feelin' sorry fur him 'cause the talkin' haids on the tellyvision keep bad-mouthin' him 'cause he talks to 'em furriners. Whin I gits to be pressydint, I'm gonna talk to Mr. Pootin an' The Rocket Man anytime I wants to.
I'm gonna try to git The Rocket Man to sot up a stand an' sell sume 'uv his big bumbs to shoot 'off on the 4th 'uv July an' New Year's. That shore will beet these puny firekrackers these city slickers shoots off.
Friends, I shore wants to be you'ins pressydint 'cause I needs the money. I hit my snow predickshion r'at on the nose last winter an' this honored journal din't give me no more money 'cause I did. I thank hits a shame.
Whin I gits to be pressydint I'm gonna buy me a new pare 'uv brogans ever winter. The soles on the shoes I'm warin' now is helt on with hawg rangs.
I gonna sot down c'here on the square an' smoke me onna 'em x-pensive cigars. I may lite hit with a doller bill if'n I kin git a little bit a'head.
Whin you'ins pass by I'll shore 'preciate hit if'n you'ins will call me Pressydint Humble. I'll kurtsy, 'er whutever pressydints do. I'm gonna hav on by best Sundee clothes.
"Member, if'n you'ins wanna mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint. An' sind money to buy votes!!!