Friends, I hain't never seed nothin' lak hit an' your humble reporter ust to git a whuppin' ever day.
Thar shore is a big dufference a'tween a whuppin' an' a whippin. As soon as hit quits stingin' you'ins feels better after a whippin'. A whuppin' stays with you'ins fur a spel. Sumetimes you'ins kain't sot down after a good whuppin.
That's a fak, friends. Momma ust to hear me an' Brother argin an' she'd cume outta the kitchen door, grab a switch offa a lilac bush. Momma wudn't ast whut wuz the matter. She'd tan both 'uv our hides without ever knowin' who started the argimint.
Brother wuz 2 y'ars older'n me an pushed me around a lot. I told y'all 'bout the time he wet the bed an' told Momma I done hit. I gotta good whuppin' an' Momma made me onna 'em di'pers an' made me wear hit to bed.
Friends, I finnaly got even, though. Brother worked at the creamery an' made purt neart $5 a week. He bot hisself a brand new bisickle an' wudn't let me ride hit.
I mow'd sumebody's yard an they give'd me a dollar. I bote myself a used bisickle that din't have no brakes.
Me an' Brother wint out on the Hodgensville rode outside 'uv Cammelsville in Taylor County to ride our bisickles. He wuz a'head 'uv me an' stopped at the bottom 'uv the hill to waite fur me.
I wuz comin' down that hill faster an' faster. My brakes wudn't work an' I yell'd fur him to look out.
He din't, an' I hit his front wheel, knockin' all the sprungs outta hit. I tell you'ins one thang, friends, the only reeson I'm here today is that I cud still ride my bisickle an' he cudn't. I rode home an' got in the house with Momma. I know'd she wudn't 'low him to beet me up.
Don't y'all tell nobody 'bout the thangs whut i rites in these ar'tickles. Folks mite thank I'm a ignert kountry bumpkin an' not vote fur me fur pressydint.
Whin I gits to be pressydint an makes purt neart a dollar a day, I'm gonna git me a new bisickle to ride in them perades a pressydint gits to ride in. Talk 'bout a big dawg; I'm gonna be one. I may git myself onna 'em x-spensive Cuban sigars an' smoke hit as I rides a'long.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint! I'm gonna use rails outta a ol' rail fence an' bil me a wall jest lak The Donald wants.