Friends, I ain't never seed nothin' lack hit an' your humble reporter is a little bit cross-eyed.
I bin tryin' to figger out how much money I'm gonna need fur my kampaign fur pressydint. I got $2.50 so fur an' a $3 bill with Bill Clinton's pitchure on hit. Nonna these good Ree'publeecuns here in Pu'lasskee County won't sell no vote fur a pitchure 'uv Brother Clinton.
I shore ain't got as much money as The Donald. I hear tell he's got 'nough money to burn a wet mule. Whin I gits to be pressydint, I'll mak purt neart a doller a day an' I kin save up 'nough cash to kompete with The Donald.
I'm gonna buy me onna 'em counter-stretchers to set my kampaign cards on, an' I thanks I'll git me a gallon 'uv stripped paint to paint sume signs with.
I got me a new dawg, friends. His name is Buddy. Whin I gits to be pressydint, Buddy is gonna be Furst Dawg.
Buddy is still a puppy. He ain't house broke yit. I shore don't want Buddy doin' no do-do in the White House. If Mr. Pootin' an' The Rocket Man cume to visit me in the White House I shore don't want 'em steppin' in no do-do. Hit mite mak The Rocket Man shoot off onna his big bumbs jest fur spite.
I shore don't wanna mak Mr. Pootin' an' The Rocket Man mad. I want 'em to mess in my 'lectshion. I'm gonna need all the help I kin git 'cause I ain't as good lookin' as The Donald. I've lost mosta my hair an' The Donald has a fine hedda hair. Your humble reporter has got a bal spot in the top 'uv my h'aid as big as a saucer.
I ast a good woman down c'here on the street t'other day if'n she vote fur me fur pressydint an' started laffin', I thot she wuz gonna choke to deth. She wuz havin' a hissy.
"You'ins must be onna 'em air Demmerkrats," she sed, "an' I ain't never voted fur no Demmerkrat," she deklared.
Friends, your humble reporter is a member 'uv The Hillbilly Party. I wuz born'd so fur bak in the stiks the sun din't git up 'till 10 o'clock in the mornin'. We hadda skare the hoot owls off'n the clok face a'fore we cud tell whut time hit wuz. We hadda go to'ward town to hunt.
I wore a dress when I wuz a little young'un that Momma made outta a feed sak. I suck'd my thum 'stead 'uv a passyfier. I krawl'd on my all-fours.
Friends, I thank I'll mak you'ins a fine pressydint. I noes how to git down whur we'ins live. I'm onna us.
'Member, if'n you'ins wanna Mak Amarykerr Grate A'gin, Vote Humble Fur Pressydint!!! An' sine money to buy votes.