Baby, it's hot outside

Christopher Harris

As I'm typing this, the thermometer (okay, my phone's weather app) reads 93 degrees, the A/C is cranked up to 11, and old country fellas are coming up to each other in general stores saying things to each other like, "Hot enough for ya?"

In other words, it's August, and it's miserable out there.

So while we're all burning up, here's a little seasonal ditty that hopefully might put a smile on your face, set to the tune of the Christmastime classic, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" -- because I feel like we need a summertime alternative:

You really must go

(But baby, it's hot outside)

The yard needs a mow

(But baby, it's hot outside)

The grass is so high

(I just might fry)

It could be Cheech and Chong

(It's just so wrong)

The city will send us notice

(I really don't want to do this)

Wild animals will graze in our yard

(If I go outside, I might come back charred)

So really, you'd better mow this

(It feels just like a furnace)

Before our neighbors get the feathers and tar

(Okay, but then I'm going straight to the bar)

The gutters need cleaned

(Please don't be so mean)

They're full of old leaves

(I might turn to steam)

I wish I know how

(Come on, be a pal)

To get you to work

(I blame climate change gone berserk)

I've got such a long 'Honey-Do' list

(Honey, I do resist)

At least go on and give it a try

(It's your fault if I die)

I'll make a pitcher of iced tea

(Oh darlin', that sounds good)

Baby, it's hot outside!

You kids have football practice

(But Mom, it's so hot outside)

You don't get to miss

(But it's so stupid-hot outside!)

I paid all these fees

(Oh please, oh please)

Now you're going to play

(I think I need a sick day)

After, we might go swimming

(I think my eyes are dimming)

Doesn't that sound like fun?

(I think this is the big one!)

We'll get ice cream with all the trimmings

(It's too hot to think about eating)

Now get your stuff, we need to run

(No way, I'm out, I'm done)

Oh wow, it's really a scorcher

(Yeah, that's what we've been saying)

Going outside is like torture

(We really weren't playing)

It really is awful

(Practically unlawful)

So now I see

(Say, did someone say iced tea?)

I guess the grass can wait 'til tomorrow

(Mowing it would be such sorrow)

And football's not your sport, I can't lie

(I'm really more a video game guy)

You really must stay

(Oh, we're so glad you agree!)

Baby, it's hot outside!

CHRISTOPHER HARRIS is a reporter for the Commonwealth Journal. Contact him at

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